I have heard from at least three of my legions that my content has faded in recent weeks. And Google has cut me back to .000008 cents per click on the Ad Sense. The Yard was on sabbatical during August. It was not planned but never under estimate the wrath of a wealthy woman with too much free time and your stolen Blackberry. Not that I would know anything about that but that and password protect are just some more free pearls of wisdom from his Yardness.
It was a transitional month that August was. Princess of the Yard, Nadia, left for Europe to study so that 10 years from now, she can take care of me. Heir apparent, Alexander, just got his first job selling telecom stuff despite my concerns for an industry that has tortured me for 25+ years. I told him everything that I knew during the 7th inning at Camden Yard on August 18th. The Red Sox were killing the Orioles at the time but I think he was listening to me. And Crown Prince Andrew is the most amazing accomplished, diffident teen-ager that I have ever been so blessed to raise. He will do great things if they are done in doors and in front of a computer! Enough update on Yard Royalty although many of you have questioned my succession plans. I wanted you to know that like the rest of the Yard, it is in sketchy hands.
Los Angeles Angel Fan of Anaheim, I am not a big fan and clinching the AL West title in early July is not always a good thing. You will not play another meaningful game until mid-October. I love your line up, pitching and Mike Scioscia but you are going to struggle at some point. Your coaching staff is the 1988 Dodgers so I love the pedigree but watch out for the Red Sox. They traded the Dreaded one to the real LA team but the Sox have the pitching, hitting and they are grinders. Teams that battle into the playoffs historically perform better than front runners.
The Halo’s have had a double digit lead in the standings since early May. When you have a big lead and you expect to win and then it suddenly evaporates it can shift momentum in a heart beat and all can seem to be unraveling. Just ask Barack how it feels.
The Dodgers will be in the World Series this year. Manny Ramirez will lead the Azul there like he did the Indians and Red Sox over the last thirteen years. He is a nut but I am glad he is our nut. He is the most exciting player in Los Angeles at this moment. Kobe is working hard to be that guy but Manny does it without the sodomy allegations or demands for the limelight. The Dreaded one does it every time he steps to the plate.
I will argue with anyone that hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in all of sports. I am not just talking about my experiences at Brand Park on Saturday mornings but throughout history. The greatest hitters ever only connected 3.5 times out of 10. And most of the greatest did it playing day games, east of Missouri.
ManRam has been doing it 4 out of 10 times since he put on that number 99 and every at bat is 7.2 on the Richter scale whether he puts in the seats or misses it. I stop all of the other important things that demand my time and watch the dude every time I can.
Ned Colletti pulled the trigger on the most ridiculous deal in the National League last year in signing Andruw Jones. First and foremost, the Yard never endorsed a trade for anyone spelling the name of Andrew with a “u” but that is just a personal preference that is shared by the rest of the known universe. Beyond that AJ, was a fat, underperforming, Gold Glove outfielder that Ned agreed to pay stupid money. Jason Schmitt, fat underperforming pitcher who everyone knew had lost his fast ball, stupid money. Juan Pierre, skinny, scrappy weak armed centerfielder who no one else wanted stupid money. Ned Colletti, stupid money. But Manny was free so the Nedster finally put his hand on the right card in Three Card Monte.
Give Manram the concession stand near aisle 8 and every thing else to keep him in LA. Andre Ethier has become what we thought he was with Manny hitting behind him. Officer Kent is fighting to come back from arthro surgery to play with Manny. Derek Lowe is pitching like Josh Beckett because of Manny. And Joe Torre suddenly looks like he knew what he was doing all along, right? Manny might be the MVP for both leagues this year!
Nothing like a couple of ex-patriots from the American League East, who battled each other for years, getting run out of town and ending up in LaLa Land working for the parking lot guy and leading the Dodgers to the National League West Pennant. It is hard to find a more compelling story in any sport right now. The Snakes are done in the desert. The Rockies were done last October. I hope Denver saved all of the cheers from the Republican Convention because that is all that City will be cheering about for a long time. And the Giants were done about three years ago. If the Cubs win the big prize this year, the Giants will have the longest drought in the National League at over 50 years without a title. Oh yeah, and the Padres, they are done for the next three years. Petco is a great stadium unless you are a Padre fan.
But really, it is football season. And the Yard will move on once the Dodgers have their long awaited parade. Ohio State gets crushed today and I hate writing that. UCLA struggles in Utah, like they always do and I hate living that. Tom Brady getting hurt could not happen to a nicer guy and his a-hole coach. Sorry Bill, let us see your genius with Matt Cassel at quarterback and Randy Moss as your team leader. Brett Favre did need to come back and the Packers look great without him. Tim Tebow needs to stay in College for seven more years. He is a difference maker on Saturdays who will never play at the next level on Sundays. I still find myself rooting for the Rams, the team of my youth. Now that Georgia is in the dirt, it is easier to root for them as well.
The Yard is relocating and details will follow. We needed more room for the new gift shop. Your old rewards card will still work but stop by when you can for the one with the new logo. Go LA Blue!
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Monday, September 1, 2008
Now it is time to say good night to all our Volunteers..
The Rick Neuheisel era began tonight with the biggest upset in recent history by any team in this city. Sure those dastardly Trojans win all of the time but when was the last time they beat someone they were not supposed to beat. Oh, yeah, they were the team that got upset.
Technically, the USC loss to Stanford was the largest upset in college football last year. It was a huge upset. USC was a 27 point favorite and lost AT HOME! So what UCLA did tonight will in no way overshadow the Cardinal upset of the Trojans last year at the Coliseum? Trojan Fan, we hold your “upsetedness” in legendary status. At the Yard, we still take a quiet moment with 49 seconds left in the work day and remember Mark Bradford’s 10 yard touchdown pass from Stanford Quarterback Tavita Pritchard on October 6, 2007. Trojans, you are to be commended for losing so convincingly as to ruin 92,000 people’s and your own year in sixty seconds of missteps and miscues of an otherwise convincing USC victory that ended in a tragic USC defeat.
No UCLA’s win tonight was not as big an upset as that game last year but it was epic. Now my fan base has called me on using “epic” too frequently and I did try to work that sentence without it but tonight was epic. The Tennessee fans are large and they travel as such. They were well represented and never expected for 60 minutes and overtime that they would lose to the powder blue flakes from West LA. And trust me, this powder blue flake from West LA never thought the Bruins were going to win either.
But this is really not the Rick Nueheisel era, it is the Norm Chow Vindication World Tour. Norm and the Peter did not part on good terms several years back. Norm never thought Pete Carroll gave him the credit he deserved when first he coaxed a shell shocked Carson Palmer and then a flighty Matt Leinhart to back to back Heisman Trophies. Neither quarterback has done as well in the pros as they did at USC nor has either had a QB coach like Norm Chow since they graduated. Pete got the keys to the City of the Angels because Norm Chow’s offense outscored teams while the Peter could recruit the defense he wanted. Norm was the genius, Pete was the face.
Tonight, Norm Chow coaxed a 3rd string JuCo transfer QB to THE upset of the first weekend of the college football season. Kevin Craft threw four interceptions in the first half and the Bruins were under water against a vaunted SEC powerhouse in Tennessee. Whatever Norm and Rick said at halftime, worked and Craft rallied the Powder Blue Flakemeisters to an epic, yes epic upset. Norm Chow was in Kevin’s head all summer. He did not coach him to that first 30 minutes of misery. Chow pushed him to the last thirty minutes of redemption.
The Bruins were down the entire game to a better team and scrapped out the victory with kids who attend UCLA so they can do more with their lives than play football. Tonight, they nutted up against SEC players that hope football is their life calling. At the Yard, we understand and appreciate scrappy, nuts and we answer all calls. If you are UCLA fan, it is our mission and our lineage.
Pete, you should worry about Norm. He knows your defense because he prepared for it every practice for four years. He was the genius that made you a king. You never understood his offensive genius and humbly pretend it never occurred. He might be preparing for Fresno State but he is thinking about how to f--- you up and you know it. You can smile and say all the right things but you never thought Norman the C. would ever return to LA and certainly not at UCLA. UCLA has a tough schedule and will lose some games. USC might not and should be in a position to earn another BCS Championship bid. Funny things can happen at the Rose Bowl in December. December 6, 2008 might be a date we all want to circle on the calendar now.
Technically, the USC loss to Stanford was the largest upset in college football last year. It was a huge upset. USC was a 27 point favorite and lost AT HOME! So what UCLA did tonight will in no way overshadow the Cardinal upset of the Trojans last year at the Coliseum? Trojan Fan, we hold your “upsetedness” in legendary status. At the Yard, we still take a quiet moment with 49 seconds left in the work day and remember Mark Bradford’s 10 yard touchdown pass from Stanford Quarterback Tavita Pritchard on October 6, 2007. Trojans, you are to be commended for losing so convincingly as to ruin 92,000 people’s and your own year in sixty seconds of missteps and miscues of an otherwise convincing USC victory that ended in a tragic USC defeat.
No UCLA’s win tonight was not as big an upset as that game last year but it was epic. Now my fan base has called me on using “epic” too frequently and I did try to work that sentence without it but tonight was epic. The Tennessee fans are large and they travel as such. They were well represented and never expected for 60 minutes and overtime that they would lose to the powder blue flakes from West LA. And trust me, this powder blue flake from West LA never thought the Bruins were going to win either.
But this is really not the Rick Nueheisel era, it is the Norm Chow Vindication World Tour. Norm and the Peter did not part on good terms several years back. Norm never thought Pete Carroll gave him the credit he deserved when first he coaxed a shell shocked Carson Palmer and then a flighty Matt Leinhart to back to back Heisman Trophies. Neither quarterback has done as well in the pros as they did at USC nor has either had a QB coach like Norm Chow since they graduated. Pete got the keys to the City of the Angels because Norm Chow’s offense outscored teams while the Peter could recruit the defense he wanted. Norm was the genius, Pete was the face.
Tonight, Norm Chow coaxed a 3rd string JuCo transfer QB to THE upset of the first weekend of the college football season. Kevin Craft threw four interceptions in the first half and the Bruins were under water against a vaunted SEC powerhouse in Tennessee. Whatever Norm and Rick said at halftime, worked and Craft rallied the Powder Blue Flakemeisters to an epic, yes epic upset. Norm Chow was in Kevin’s head all summer. He did not coach him to that first 30 minutes of misery. Chow pushed him to the last thirty minutes of redemption.
The Bruins were down the entire game to a better team and scrapped out the victory with kids who attend UCLA so they can do more with their lives than play football. Tonight, they nutted up against SEC players that hope football is their life calling. At the Yard, we understand and appreciate scrappy, nuts and we answer all calls. If you are UCLA fan, it is our mission and our lineage.
Pete, you should worry about Norm. He knows your defense because he prepared for it every practice for four years. He was the genius that made you a king. You never understood his offensive genius and humbly pretend it never occurred. He might be preparing for Fresno State but he is thinking about how to f--- you up and you know it. You can smile and say all the right things but you never thought Norman the C. would ever return to LA and certainly not at UCLA. UCLA has a tough schedule and will lose some games. USC might not and should be in a position to earn another BCS Championship bid. Funny things can happen at the Rose Bowl in December. December 6, 2008 might be a date we all want to circle on the calendar now.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Olympics by the numbers.
Wave the flag, sing the anthem and tune in until 1:00 AM, it is all good. The glory, the pageantry, GW, and Michael Phelps. I can not get enough although George Bush doing the “look at me, look at me!” at virtually every event was a bit annoying. He was like that dude with the multi-colored afro with the John 3:12 T-shirt in the 80’s who was everywhere. He was annoying also. It is sure easy to bask in the eternal sunshine of our impressive young athletes and their exploits than dwell on gas at $4/gallon, unemployment at 5.8%, and the staggering cost of showing the Iraqi’s the benefits of democracy.
Michael Phelps has been amazing. He is like an action figure with a Happy Meal. He can contort in any direction. He can bend his arm back to scratch the elbow in that same arm. I also found it amazing that he eats an IHOP menu each morning and an Applebee’s menu each night and he has an 8-pack. I eat 2,500 calories a day and I have a 1-pack. He does have those 3,000 laps in the pool thing working for him. I am all over that but I just do not have a torso that looks good in a Speedo.
The women’s all-around gymnastic final was epic with Americans Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson showing the nerves and performance to go Gold and Silver. Nastia clutched up and won a gold medal knowing in the back of her mind, her father lost the Men’s All around by a 1/10 of a point at the 1988 Seoul games while competing for the then Soviet Union. She had the DNA and the skills and at 18 years old, she was the matron of the floor on Thursday night. The US Women showed why gymnastics is an individual sport with the team event for appetizers. The Women’s Team stumbled and slipped to silver. The individuals did what no other American women had ever achieved finishing 1 & 2 in the all around final. And if our Chinese hosts expect us to believe that half their team is over the required age of 16, then I bet the Dali Lama is back in Tibet cheering the Chinese on as well on his 53 inch plasma.
There are nearly 10,000 athletes at the Olympics; most are living in the Olympic Village. God bless the Chinese, they made sure that there were 100,000 condoms available for these athletes. Now with 15 NBA players in Beijing that might be prudent. You might also scoff that 10 per athlete is a bit rich but they ran out in the village at the Sydney Games in 2004. The Chinese are bit fanatical about birth control but 10 prophylactics per competitor for these games? What happens in Beijing stays in Beijing!
Swimming, gymnastics, women’s softball, track and field, I am cheering like a soccer mom. I am going to miss all of this in two weeks. But for now, Bob Costas and Jim Lampley are filling in the stories and telling me what is really important. And just when I thought I could not find Chris Collingsworth on another network, there he is interviewing Kobe and kibitzing with Costas. NBC must have 5,000 people reporting on the 10,000 athletes but probably less company provided condoms.
I can not finish without congratulating the French for yapping about how they were going to kick the US’s collective ass in the Men’s 400 Meter Free Style relay only to get out-touched at the finish. World Record Holder and obnoxious Frenchman Alain Bernard won his individual gold but he got chased down during the anchor leg at the end by Irvine’s finest Jason Lezak, who had never won a single gold in three Olympics. A 32-year old, swimming the anchor leg against the fastest Frenchman in history for the gold? I am going large on the red, white and blue all day long and Jason did not disappoint.
The French are great with sharing world opinions and unsupported yappiness. Now having supportive action to back up their shallow Elitism, that is a scarcer commodity for the frogs. Enjoying a collective history that includes more surrender flags than medal celebrations, the French finish was no surprise to rest of the world. So from the Nation that gave us foie gras, STFU! Let us know next time you need to get your head smacked in front of a billion people? We already bailed your sorry butts out 64 years ago so pipe down and get back to political scandals, brie cheese, Bordeaux wine and socialism. Here in America, we would kick your designer asses for sport, so do not give us any additional incentives.
Oh and my Canadian friends to the north, you all been making some noise as well about fat Americans, our world wide aggression and our plummeting dollar and economy. Not to say you are totally off base there and the Canadian Dollar is on the rebound so you should all be proud. But how many medals do you have, counting today? That would be none. Now Olympic medals do not make the country but if you are so great, do you have anyone who runs, jumps, swims or throws something well? Last I checked 50+ Nations have medals including Ethiopia with gold. Check the list, no Canucks anywhere? WTF? We might be fat down south, but apparently not all of us. And you get the only reason, we would ever go to visit Canada is because your dollar was weak and we could get some Cuban Cigars on the cheap. Otherwise, the largest tourist nation on the planet can go to Mexico where the peso is always weak and the weather and liquor are better. And my Mexican brothers have a bronze medal to boot. I know they can run fast, swim far and jump, I see it every day in Los Angeles. Hockey season is over and the Winter Olympics are two years away, wake up you Hosers!
To the red, white and blue in all of us, go team!
Michael Phelps has been amazing. He is like an action figure with a Happy Meal. He can contort in any direction. He can bend his arm back to scratch the elbow in that same arm. I also found it amazing that he eats an IHOP menu each morning and an Applebee’s menu each night and he has an 8-pack. I eat 2,500 calories a day and I have a 1-pack. He does have those 3,000 laps in the pool thing working for him. I am all over that but I just do not have a torso that looks good in a Speedo.
The women’s all-around gymnastic final was epic with Americans Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson showing the nerves and performance to go Gold and Silver. Nastia clutched up and won a gold medal knowing in the back of her mind, her father lost the Men’s All around by a 1/10 of a point at the 1988 Seoul games while competing for the then Soviet Union. She had the DNA and the skills and at 18 years old, she was the matron of the floor on Thursday night. The US Women showed why gymnastics is an individual sport with the team event for appetizers. The Women’s Team stumbled and slipped to silver. The individuals did what no other American women had ever achieved finishing 1 & 2 in the all around final. And if our Chinese hosts expect us to believe that half their team is over the required age of 16, then I bet the Dali Lama is back in Tibet cheering the Chinese on as well on his 53 inch plasma.
There are nearly 10,000 athletes at the Olympics; most are living in the Olympic Village. God bless the Chinese, they made sure that there were 100,000 condoms available for these athletes. Now with 15 NBA players in Beijing that might be prudent. You might also scoff that 10 per athlete is a bit rich but they ran out in the village at the Sydney Games in 2004. The Chinese are bit fanatical about birth control but 10 prophylactics per competitor for these games? What happens in Beijing stays in Beijing!
Swimming, gymnastics, women’s softball, track and field, I am cheering like a soccer mom. I am going to miss all of this in two weeks. But for now, Bob Costas and Jim Lampley are filling in the stories and telling me what is really important. And just when I thought I could not find Chris Collingsworth on another network, there he is interviewing Kobe and kibitzing with Costas. NBC must have 5,000 people reporting on the 10,000 athletes but probably less company provided condoms.
I can not finish without congratulating the French for yapping about how they were going to kick the US’s collective ass in the Men’s 400 Meter Free Style relay only to get out-touched at the finish. World Record Holder and obnoxious Frenchman Alain Bernard won his individual gold but he got chased down during the anchor leg at the end by Irvine’s finest Jason Lezak, who had never won a single gold in three Olympics. A 32-year old, swimming the anchor leg against the fastest Frenchman in history for the gold? I am going large on the red, white and blue all day long and Jason did not disappoint.
The French are great with sharing world opinions and unsupported yappiness. Now having supportive action to back up their shallow Elitism, that is a scarcer commodity for the frogs. Enjoying a collective history that includes more surrender flags than medal celebrations, the French finish was no surprise to rest of the world. So from the Nation that gave us foie gras, STFU! Let us know next time you need to get your head smacked in front of a billion people? We already bailed your sorry butts out 64 years ago so pipe down and get back to political scandals, brie cheese, Bordeaux wine and socialism. Here in America, we would kick your designer asses for sport, so do not give us any additional incentives.
Oh and my Canadian friends to the north, you all been making some noise as well about fat Americans, our world wide aggression and our plummeting dollar and economy. Not to say you are totally off base there and the Canadian Dollar is on the rebound so you should all be proud. But how many medals do you have, counting today? That would be none. Now Olympic medals do not make the country but if you are so great, do you have anyone who runs, jumps, swims or throws something well? Last I checked 50+ Nations have medals including Ethiopia with gold. Check the list, no Canucks anywhere? WTF? We might be fat down south, but apparently not all of us. And you get the only reason, we would ever go to visit Canada is because your dollar was weak and we could get some Cuban Cigars on the cheap. Otherwise, the largest tourist nation on the planet can go to Mexico where the peso is always weak and the weather and liquor are better. And my Mexican brothers have a bronze medal to boot. I know they can run fast, swim far and jump, I see it every day in Los Angeles. Hockey season is over and the Winter Olympics are two years away, wake up you Hosers!
To the red, white and blue in all of us, go team!
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