Olympics by the numbers.

Wave the flag, sing the anthem and tune in until 1:00 AM, it is all good. The glory, the pageantry, GW, and Michael Phelps. I can not get enough although George Bush doing the “look at me, look at me!” at virtually every event was a bit annoying. He was like that dude with the multi-colored afro with the John 3:12 T-shirt in the 80’s who was everywhere. He was annoying also. It is sure easy to bask in the eternal sunshine of our impressive young athletes and their exploits than dwell on gas at $4/gallon, unemployment at 5.8%, and the staggering cost of showing the Iraqi’s the benefits of democracy.

Michael Phelps has been amazing. He is like an action figure with a Happy Meal. He can contort in any direction. He can bend his arm back to scratch the elbow in that same arm. I also found it amazing that he eats an IHOP menu each morning and an Applebee’s menu each night and he has an 8-pack. I eat 2,500 calories a day and I have a 1-pack. He does have those 3,000 laps in the pool thing working for him. I am all over that but I just do not have a torso that looks good in a Speedo.

The women’s all-around gymnastic final was epic with Americans Nastia Liukin and Shawn Johnson showing the nerves and performance to go Gold and Silver. Nastia clutched up and won a gold medal knowing in the back of her mind, her father lost the Men’s All around by a 1/10 of a point at the 1988 Seoul games while competing for the then Soviet Union. She had the DNA and the skills and at 18 years old, she was the matron of the floor on Thursday night. The US Women showed why gymnastics is an individual sport with the team event for appetizers. The Women’s Team stumbled and slipped to silver. The individuals did what no other American women had ever achieved finishing 1 & 2 in the all around final. And if our Chinese hosts expect us to believe that half their team is over the required age of 16, then I bet the Dali Lama is back in Tibet cheering the Chinese on as well on his 53 inch plasma.

There are nearly 10,000 athletes at the Olympics; most are living in the Olympic Village. God bless the Chinese, they made sure that there were 100,000 condoms available for these athletes. Now with 15 NBA players in Beijing that might be prudent. You might also scoff that 10 per athlete is a bit rich but they ran out in the village at the Sydney Games in 2004. The Chinese are bit fanatical about birth control but 10 prophylactics per competitor for these games? What happens in Beijing stays in Beijing!

Swimming, gymnastics, women’s softball, track and field, I am cheering like a soccer mom. I am going to miss all of this in two weeks. But for now, Bob Costas and Jim Lampley are filling in the stories and telling me what is really important. And just when I thought I could not find Chris Collingsworth on another network, there he is interviewing Kobe and kibitzing with Costas. NBC must have 5,000 people reporting on the 10,000 athletes but probably less company provided condoms.

I can not finish without congratulating the French for yapping about how they were going to kick the US’s collective ass in the Men’s 400 Meter Free Style relay only to get out-touched at the finish. World Record Holder and obnoxious Frenchman Alain Bernard won his individual gold but he got chased down during the anchor leg at the end by Irvine’s finest Jason Lezak, who had never won a single gold in three Olympics. A 32-year old, swimming the anchor leg against the fastest Frenchman in history for the gold? I am going large on the red, white and blue all day long and Jason did not disappoint.

The French are great with sharing world opinions and unsupported yappiness. Now having supportive action to back up their shallow Elitism, that is a scarcer commodity for the frogs. Enjoying a collective history that includes more surrender flags than medal celebrations, the French finish was no surprise to rest of the world. So from the Nation that gave us foie gras, STFU! Let us know next time you need to get your head smacked in front of a billion people? We already bailed your sorry butts out 64 years ago so pipe down and get back to political scandals, brie cheese, Bordeaux wine and socialism. Here in America, we would kick your designer asses for sport, so do not give us any additional incentives.

Oh and my Canadian friends to the north, you all been making some noise as well about fat Americans, our world wide aggression and our plummeting dollar and economy. Not to say you are totally off base there and the Canadian Dollar is on the rebound so you should all be proud. But how many medals do you have, counting today? That would be none. Now Olympic medals do not make the country but if you are so great, do you have anyone who runs, jumps, swims or throws something well? Last I checked 50+ Nations have medals including Ethiopia with gold. Check the list, no Canucks anywhere? WTF? We might be fat down south, but apparently not all of us. And you get the only reason, we would ever go to visit Canada is because your dollar was weak and we could get some Cuban Cigars on the cheap. Otherwise, the largest tourist nation on the planet can go to Mexico where the peso is always weak and the weather and liquor are better. And my Mexican brothers have a bronze medal to boot. I know they can run fast, swim far and jump, I see it every day in Los Angeles. Hockey season is over and the Winter Olympics are two years away, wake up you Hosers!

To the red, white and blue in all of us, go team!