I visited winter this week. It was not planned and I had hoped to avoid it as I do most years. But I was lured through comraderie and I perservered through friendship. Everyone should visit winter just once. If you live in it, I hope Brett Farve is your starting Quarterback, North Face is your clothing of choice and you tell everyone that it is a “dry cold”.
Growing up in Los Angeles, winter is something you learn about in school but you rarely get to experience. I went to Scranton, PA this week to find winter. Scranton is home to my favorite show, The Office but I went to see a good friend not Dunder Mifflin. I navigated the elements, ingested the necessary anti-freeze and I am home to report without frost bite. Uncle Bob was my host and from what I understand, he drove home on Saturday night.
I was also in the Second City. Chicago does not have winter, they have tundra. Tundra is winter squared and there is no suspense. There is not some discussion about "it not being that cold." In Chi-Town, the snow flake is your enemy. It starts out peaceful but its best friends are wind and chill. It goes from soft white petals to deep appreciation for The Shining. Suddenly, Jack Nicholson staggering through the hedge rows with a runny nose and wild eyes seems like a defense strategy. Sir Edmund Hillary had fewer issues with the Himalayas than I did changing planes. Inadequate articles of warmth will impact your ability to survive the day or at the least you will have moments where Option C is death and it has two votes.
Who was the first person that decided to take a snow mobile up a ramp and do a back somersault? I watched the X Games from Scranton and they are very cool. Many people challenged fate and in the cold. Those athletes attempt and complete things that I would not even put in a Power Point presentation titled “That has got to hurt”. I get what these competitors are doing but I am not sure how they tried that feat the first time and who let them?
I love nature, the outdoors, and the elements but I only challenge nature with the necessary garden tools and thick gloves. This purported exhilaration that one might experience through running with the bulls, riding a mountain bike down the Corniche, or jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet escapes me. I am exhilarated to wake up on Monday with modest aches and pains while managing to use the phone and perform the necessary yet mundane motor skills required for gainful employment. I am proud to make a killer cup of coffee even when I feel poorly. Beyond that, who are we kidding within the boundaries of our own individual health care plans?
I will live until Sunday at 12:30 PM. Beyond that, I hope to out live the Super Bowl Pre-Game show but I am the over and under bet at 54. Patriots, I am rooting against you with extreme prejudice. Perfection is for the chosen few and you are at the precipice of this kind of greatness. 18 in a row is amazing, UCLA Basketball won 88 in a row in the 70's but 18 in the NFL is commendable.
If the Pat’s finish the dream, I will tell my grand children that I was there for the glory, the story and the video tape. If I survive until the 4th quarter and the Pat’s are ahead by 12+, I will jump on their band wagon from the end of the game until the first seven minutes of the Family Guy after the game and once more on the following Wednesday between 2:00 and 2:15 PM.
Bill Bellicek, can I ask, “As great as your team is, can you be any more of a prick?” You get that you are 41-55 as a coach without Tom Brady? Bill Walsh did not win without Joe Montana. Bill Parcells never won without Phil Simms. Jimmy Johnson never won without Troy Aikman. And you have never won without Tom Brady.
Is it better to graciously and generously shake the hand of your vanquished opponent or act like Neidermayer from Animal House? Humility is eternal and arrogance is for the moment. From what I have witnessed, you have chosen to be Neidermayer most of the time. I do not marginalize your results but I find your arrogance unnecessary. Your team is amazing, Tom Brady is brilliant, but I will root hard for the Giants and hope they cover the twelve.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Winter of Our Sports Discontent
The Winter of Sports Discontent
The golden season for the Sports Degenerate Association ended on Sunday. At the SDA, our regular season usually starts with the beginning of the College football season, through the World Series, and ending with the AFC/NFC Championship games. The SDA is very much like the PGA tour. We have a regular season but no one is required to attend all events. We all show up to the big ones and then play anything that is available between seasons. We can smoke and drink during any event and we are trying to figure out if we support drug testing.
The Super Bowl is a sanctioned event for the SDA. We support the Writers, so we are picketing the commercials, the stories about the back up punter, and we are trying to vote anyone off the island, or firing them, or telling them they can not dance. Tom Petty is singing at halftime but has there been more that three decent Super Bowls in last 42 years?
The NFC/AFC Championship games are the ultimate afternoon and this season culminated with grand rapture, stunning brilliance and epic heart burn. When the SDA has a quorum for any event, the gastro-intestinal exploits of the membership can exponentially exceed the athletic prowess of any combatant sprinting side to side on 53 inches of plasma screen TV. Whoever sleeps near any of us that night does so at their own peril. Methane gas is no laughing matter.
Alas, now is the winter of our sport's discontent. After the Super Bowl, college basketball reigns supreme but it is still six weeks to March Madness. Baseball is trying to remain relevant but when Baseball is on the front page and not the sports page in the off season, it is never good news. Roger, shut up, no one believes you. Pro Basketball is in that meaningless phase that starts in October and does not end until the second round of the playoffs unless you are the Dallas Mavericks, your season ends one round earlier.
The Trojans took the lead in local college hoops this weekend. That is never good for the Bruin family. It happens so rarely and I am never well prepared for that anomaly. Through therapy, hops and barley, I have been trained to accept our fate in Football but hoops is UCLA’s sanctuary. Those pesky boys from Troy in their Cardinal and Gold and Ronald McDonald shoes, schooled the heralded Blue and Gold last Saturday. USC played hard to win and UCLA played hard not to lose. Kevin Love looked like he needed another year in High School and OJ Mayo has my full support if he wants to declare for the NBA draft on Wednesday. Davon Jefferson of USC was the best player on the floor for either team.
Fortunately on Monday, offensive genius Norm Chow accepted an offer to be the offensive genius at UCLA. We have not had an offensive genius since…ever! Who would have thought UCLA Alum Ken Norton, Jr. would turn UCLA down and former USC Assistant Chow would come to UCLA? Norm wanted to tweak Pete Carroll for sure and I think he has his attention and the attention of the city. Rick Nueheisel has not coached a single game or held practice, but he has UCLA football back in the news in a positive light. Karl Dorrell is still watching his new TV and quite comfortable.
Apparently, the NCAA is investigating John Wooden. He visited Kevin Love and his family while vacationing in Oregon last summer. The NCAA wants to determine if that was an improper visit by a UCLA official. I would suggest that any visit to anyone from John Wooden is never improper. The NCAA should mandate that John Wooden visit as many high school recruits as his 97 year old health will allow. John Wooden should consult Coach Nueheisel on “How you too can make millions suing the morons who run the NCAA!” Operators are standing by….
In an LA Times poll, John Wooden was the #1 choice to the question, “If you could have dinner with one local sports personality, who would you choose?” JRW edged out Vin Scully 25% to 22.3%. Frank and Jamie McCourt finished last with 0.4% of the vote behind acerbic LA Times Columnist T.J. Simers who garnered 3.2% of the vote. TJ slams the McCourt’s all of the time yet 8 times as many people wanted to eat dinner with him than L.A.’s first family or maybe the McCourt’s are LA’s 5th family…whatever. No one wanted to eat with Victoria or David Beckham either. The partying Buss family singers did not register in the poll. My call, I would want to have dinner with Coach Wooden then hook up with Dr. Jerry Buss at the strip club later for some bevies and bimbos. He is not driving but Jerry, bring your plastic.
Last thoughts: Tony Romo spent three days with Jessica Simpson in Cabo before the Cowboys lost a few weeks back and it got a ton of press. Tony R., I totally get it. That is some quality trim. Might I suggest in the future, before the biggest game of your career, that you be a bit more discrete? Dude, I get that you needed to tap that but use your noggin, photo’s in US magazine with a mojito and her blondness is never going to play well in the Big D even if you win. And, you did not win. Roger and Troy were nailing starlets but under the cover of darkness. Michael Irvin is not your Cowboy role model! Next time, tell Jesse or fill in the blank Hollywood starlet, that you are taking her to Cabo, go get some margies, chips and guacamole, put on a sombrero, take her back to your condo and draw the shades. By the time, she figures it out, you are living large and you still have time to check in and make sure TO is taking his meds. Enjoy watching Eli play, he will be banging Jessica next month!
The golden season for the Sports Degenerate Association ended on Sunday. At the SDA, our regular season usually starts with the beginning of the College football season, through the World Series, and ending with the AFC/NFC Championship games. The SDA is very much like the PGA tour. We have a regular season but no one is required to attend all events. We all show up to the big ones and then play anything that is available between seasons. We can smoke and drink during any event and we are trying to figure out if we support drug testing.
The Super Bowl is a sanctioned event for the SDA. We support the Writers, so we are picketing the commercials, the stories about the back up punter, and we are trying to vote anyone off the island, or firing them, or telling them they can not dance. Tom Petty is singing at halftime but has there been more that three decent Super Bowls in last 42 years?
The NFC/AFC Championship games are the ultimate afternoon and this season culminated with grand rapture, stunning brilliance and epic heart burn. When the SDA has a quorum for any event, the gastro-intestinal exploits of the membership can exponentially exceed the athletic prowess of any combatant sprinting side to side on 53 inches of plasma screen TV. Whoever sleeps near any of us that night does so at their own peril. Methane gas is no laughing matter.
Alas, now is the winter of our sport's discontent. After the Super Bowl, college basketball reigns supreme but it is still six weeks to March Madness. Baseball is trying to remain relevant but when Baseball is on the front page and not the sports page in the off season, it is never good news. Roger, shut up, no one believes you. Pro Basketball is in that meaningless phase that starts in October and does not end until the second round of the playoffs unless you are the Dallas Mavericks, your season ends one round earlier.
The Trojans took the lead in local college hoops this weekend. That is never good for the Bruin family. It happens so rarely and I am never well prepared for that anomaly. Through therapy, hops and barley, I have been trained to accept our fate in Football but hoops is UCLA’s sanctuary. Those pesky boys from Troy in their Cardinal and Gold and Ronald McDonald shoes, schooled the heralded Blue and Gold last Saturday. USC played hard to win and UCLA played hard not to lose. Kevin Love looked like he needed another year in High School and OJ Mayo has my full support if he wants to declare for the NBA draft on Wednesday. Davon Jefferson of USC was the best player on the floor for either team.
Fortunately on Monday, offensive genius Norm Chow accepted an offer to be the offensive genius at UCLA. We have not had an offensive genius since…ever! Who would have thought UCLA Alum Ken Norton, Jr. would turn UCLA down and former USC Assistant Chow would come to UCLA? Norm wanted to tweak Pete Carroll for sure and I think he has his attention and the attention of the city. Rick Nueheisel has not coached a single game or held practice, but he has UCLA football back in the news in a positive light. Karl Dorrell is still watching his new TV and quite comfortable.
Apparently, the NCAA is investigating John Wooden. He visited Kevin Love and his family while vacationing in Oregon last summer. The NCAA wants to determine if that was an improper visit by a UCLA official. I would suggest that any visit to anyone from John Wooden is never improper. The NCAA should mandate that John Wooden visit as many high school recruits as his 97 year old health will allow. John Wooden should consult Coach Nueheisel on “How you too can make millions suing the morons who run the NCAA!” Operators are standing by….
In an LA Times poll, John Wooden was the #1 choice to the question, “If you could have dinner with one local sports personality, who would you choose?” JRW edged out Vin Scully 25% to 22.3%. Frank and Jamie McCourt finished last with 0.4% of the vote behind acerbic LA Times Columnist T.J. Simers who garnered 3.2% of the vote. TJ slams the McCourt’s all of the time yet 8 times as many people wanted to eat dinner with him than L.A.’s first family or maybe the McCourt’s are LA’s 5th family…whatever. No one wanted to eat with Victoria or David Beckham either. The partying Buss family singers did not register in the poll. My call, I would want to have dinner with Coach Wooden then hook up with Dr. Jerry Buss at the strip club later for some bevies and bimbos. He is not driving but Jerry, bring your plastic.
Last thoughts: Tony Romo spent three days with Jessica Simpson in Cabo before the Cowboys lost a few weeks back and it got a ton of press. Tony R., I totally get it. That is some quality trim. Might I suggest in the future, before the biggest game of your career, that you be a bit more discrete? Dude, I get that you needed to tap that but use your noggin, photo’s in US magazine with a mojito and her blondness is never going to play well in the Big D even if you win. And, you did not win. Roger and Troy were nailing starlets but under the cover of darkness. Michael Irvin is not your Cowboy role model! Next time, tell Jesse or fill in the blank Hollywood starlet, that you are taking her to Cabo, go get some margies, chips and guacamole, put on a sombrero, take her back to your condo and draw the shades. By the time, she figures it out, you are living large and you still have time to check in and make sure TO is taking his meds. Enjoy watching Eli play, he will be banging Jessica next month!
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Enough of this BCS, bring on the Roundball!
Monday night, I am not sure who I felt worse for, Jimmy the Sweater Vest who got blown up by the SEC for the second straight year or my buddy Richard who got aced out by Jerry the Mouth in the numbers pool when OSU scored that last touchdown with 40 seconds to go. Actually, I felt worse for Richard, Jim Tressel has eighteen returning starters but Ricardo could already taste that $60. He hosted a nice party and it would have been nice to see him win some cake.
It is amazing the impact that “The Yard” is having in our brief tenure. There have been several prescient proclamations within our hallowed halls. From the Red Sox to Tim Tebow, Joe McKnight, and Barriod, we have established ourselves as unparalleled prognosticators, at least within those same hallowed halls. I implored UCLA to hire Rick Neuhiesel and retain DeWayne Walker and the University did. I wish Dan Guerrero had contacted me directly before he made these decisions but I have it on good authority he visits the Yard before any major sports decisions are final…so I got that going for me…which is kind of nice.
I did make a bold prediction on Michigan getting trounced by Florida. We missed on that one for sure. I ordered my legions of interns to research all of the bowl games and no one reported back to his Yardness that ex-Michigan Coach Lloyd Carr was going to coach his last game against Florida. Bad JuJu to bet against that. I had to let someone go in the ensuing Yard shake-up. It is not always fun and games at the Yard.
College Basketball began in earnest this past weekend. The BCS Bowl Series still cried for relevance but I have been on to College hoops since 12/22/07. Sorry Buckeyes, it was nice that you got 10 on the board this year before the dam broke but the dam still broke. Enough said, how about those Bruins?! Sweeping Cal and Stanford on the road in the first weekend of the Pac-10 Season is huge. USC should also get their due for sweeping Cal and Stanford last weekend although it was at home and it was well the SC ladies that pulled those upsets.
OJ Mayo did say he would “consider” returning for his sophomore year if the Trojans got close to winning the NCAA Championship his freshman year! Big words for our local budding superstar. The Trojans have opened PAC-10 play 0-2 and undefeated 4th ranked Washington State is coming in on Thursday night. He might have meant that he would return if the Trojans don’t make the tournament this year. They should but don’t let the hole get too deep, OJ. The Pac-10 is tough, this is not football and Pete Carroll is not the coach. I like Pete Carroll but Tim Floyd is a bit unsettling on the sidelines. He looks like he is having a colonoscopy during games and I do not think he really owns a sport coat to go with that rumpled shirt and tie. I am sure he is fine coach but lighten up, Timster, only Pete gets the keys to the University Limo.
Keep an eye on Josh Shipp, UCLA swingman. He is playing great defense and he is ice when the Bruins need a tough trey over a zone defense. If the Bruins make it back to the Final Four this year, he will be a difference maker
I did encourage the Lakers to be patient with this team and not trade the Kobester. They have so far listened to my always sage counsel. The Lakers are winning 14 out of 17 and two games behind the Suns in the West. Kobe is having a Kobe Season, Lamar is still playing like he smoked a blunt on the way to the game but Andrew Bynum is showing his worth. Mitch Kupchak should be applauded for his patience. These Purple and Gold piece parts made no sense three months ago and every pundit in the LA sports media was bagging on Mitch. Now, he looks absolutely brilliant although they have a long ways to go. They are not a Championship Team but they will get to the second round. And of course, Dr. Jerry is hanging with Paris Hilton, Jeannie is still banging the head coach and Jim Buss is a charter member and Scribe for the lucky DNA club. WTF, who is going to argue the synergy created with the doctor, the stripper and the chief knucklehead in this all in the family trifecta?
Last thought: We all have to ask ourselves, with troops deployed overseas at enormous expense, with Presidential Candidates in our face every day imploring us to understand why they will correct the country’s problems if elected, with gas approaching $4 a gallon, why is Roger Clemens being called to appear before congress to discuss his…alleged.. steroid use? Do our elected officials have better things to do than try to investigate why athletes who are making $10-20 Million per year would try to chemically enhance their bodies to prolong a career that pays them $10-20 Million per year? I think I know the answer to that one. Do we really need $150,000 a year politicians spending even ten minutes getting to the bottom of this issue? The only cost I can see to the taxpayer for the Rocket sticking ah, er, allegedly sticking goop in his buttocks is the cost of this panel of politicians trying to get to the bottom of what Roger put in his bottom.
“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.” Mark Twain
It is amazing the impact that “The Yard” is having in our brief tenure. There have been several prescient proclamations within our hallowed halls. From the Red Sox to Tim Tebow, Joe McKnight, and Barriod, we have established ourselves as unparalleled prognosticators, at least within those same hallowed halls. I implored UCLA to hire Rick Neuhiesel and retain DeWayne Walker and the University did. I wish Dan Guerrero had contacted me directly before he made these decisions but I have it on good authority he visits the Yard before any major sports decisions are final…so I got that going for me…which is kind of nice.
I did make a bold prediction on Michigan getting trounced by Florida. We missed on that one for sure. I ordered my legions of interns to research all of the bowl games and no one reported back to his Yardness that ex-Michigan Coach Lloyd Carr was going to coach his last game against Florida. Bad JuJu to bet against that. I had to let someone go in the ensuing Yard shake-up. It is not always fun and games at the Yard.
College Basketball began in earnest this past weekend. The BCS Bowl Series still cried for relevance but I have been on to College hoops since 12/22/07. Sorry Buckeyes, it was nice that you got 10 on the board this year before the dam broke but the dam still broke. Enough said, how about those Bruins?! Sweeping Cal and Stanford on the road in the first weekend of the Pac-10 Season is huge. USC should also get their due for sweeping Cal and Stanford last weekend although it was at home and it was well the SC ladies that pulled those upsets.
OJ Mayo did say he would “consider” returning for his sophomore year if the Trojans got close to winning the NCAA Championship his freshman year! Big words for our local budding superstar. The Trojans have opened PAC-10 play 0-2 and undefeated 4th ranked Washington State is coming in on Thursday night. He might have meant that he would return if the Trojans don’t make the tournament this year. They should but don’t let the hole get too deep, OJ. The Pac-10 is tough, this is not football and Pete Carroll is not the coach. I like Pete Carroll but Tim Floyd is a bit unsettling on the sidelines. He looks like he is having a colonoscopy during games and I do not think he really owns a sport coat to go with that rumpled shirt and tie. I am sure he is fine coach but lighten up, Timster, only Pete gets the keys to the University Limo.
Keep an eye on Josh Shipp, UCLA swingman. He is playing great defense and he is ice when the Bruins need a tough trey over a zone defense. If the Bruins make it back to the Final Four this year, he will be a difference maker
I did encourage the Lakers to be patient with this team and not trade the Kobester. They have so far listened to my always sage counsel. The Lakers are winning 14 out of 17 and two games behind the Suns in the West. Kobe is having a Kobe Season, Lamar is still playing like he smoked a blunt on the way to the game but Andrew Bynum is showing his worth. Mitch Kupchak should be applauded for his patience. These Purple and Gold piece parts made no sense three months ago and every pundit in the LA sports media was bagging on Mitch. Now, he looks absolutely brilliant although they have a long ways to go. They are not a Championship Team but they will get to the second round. And of course, Dr. Jerry is hanging with Paris Hilton, Jeannie is still banging the head coach and Jim Buss is a charter member and Scribe for the lucky DNA club. WTF, who is going to argue the synergy created with the doctor, the stripper and the chief knucklehead in this all in the family trifecta?
Last thought: We all have to ask ourselves, with troops deployed overseas at enormous expense, with Presidential Candidates in our face every day imploring us to understand why they will correct the country’s problems if elected, with gas approaching $4 a gallon, why is Roger Clemens being called to appear before congress to discuss his…alleged.. steroid use? Do our elected officials have better things to do than try to investigate why athletes who are making $10-20 Million per year would try to chemically enhance their bodies to prolong a career that pays them $10-20 Million per year? I think I know the answer to that one. Do we really need $150,000 a year politicians spending even ten minutes getting to the bottom of this issue? The only cost I can see to the taxpayer for the Rocket sticking ah, er, allegedly sticking goop in his buttocks is the cost of this panel of politicians trying to get to the bottom of what Roger put in his bottom.
“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.” Mark Twain
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