Finally, the NFL season will begin Los Angeles this weekend! It was exciting to get those first seventeen weekends out of the way for the rest of the country, so the NFL orphans in LA can now get interested. At the Yard, the NFL is only relevant when personal money is at stake and/or these three weekends in January. There were exciting regular season games but we only remember the games in January when the turf settles. The February Super Bowl is a National Holiday. It has rarely been as well played as the play off games that preceded it. The BCS could dominate these weeks but only one BCS game matters and Florida will spank the Sooners in Miami. The other games are mere exhibitions.

Previous research had discovered that there is a myopia gene that forces North American males to select their chosen teams to root for in all sports for all of their lives by age 9. During this same imprinting ritual, enemies are identified and reviled with similar passion. Apparently, we are required by celestial laws bigger than this blog and a lot of other big stuff to never cut this umbilical cord to our youth. It is not just our destiny, it is more important than that.

In an effort to kick the cobwebs out of the Yard’s winter hiatus, the interns conducted a government approved independent survey over the holidays. We only received $157.92 of the economic stimulus money. We had hoped for at least $200 to complete the report but we should be able to keep everyone on board despite the short fall.

There was a preponderance of Seber DNA in the respondent pool. We also need to disclose that we did not do a double blind study where a placebo cabernet was introduced. Regardless, it was determined that although Angeleno youth have been forced to “pick” an NFL team to root for since pro football left LA in 1994, more enjoyment was received when rooting against common enemies than in throwing love to one’s adopted team. And with all due respect, the “adopted” teams in the poll were the Rams, the 49er’s, Tampa Bay and the Chiefs.

The Rams were done in September but on Sunday night, watching Cowboy Owner Jerry Jones grind his teeth with that “Is that sh— in my sandwich smile” while his entourage squirmed in the owner’s box was great theater. It was a massacre the Philadelphia Eagles laid on America’s Team on Sunday. It was the biggest game of both team’s season and LA fervently watched in joy while Dallas got mauled 44-6.

The Cowboys have become the land of misfit children in the NFL universe. Jerry, you over ruled Bill Parcells to bring in TO aka TK-Team Killer. TO has blown up locker rooms from coast to coast. Parcells left because he is a real football guy who does not want to work for the oil guy who thinks he is the football guy. Jerry is listed as President, CEO and General Manager on the Dallas web site. What owner of any other team in any other professional sport fills all of those roles?

And you had to have Adam Pac-Man Jones! First, it is maybe more of guideline than a strict policy, but the Yard does not hire anyone who has been called in for questioning by the police eight times in a three year period. We also do not hire anyone who was at the center of a shooting at a strip club during the NBA All-Star Weekend where three people were shot. At the Yard, we do not feel that bar is set too high. Just a few suggestions as you tweak the well oiled Cowboy machine, Jerrah. Either TK or Pac-Man is completely capable of elevating the toxicity levels at any venue. Did you really need both on this team to kill this year? Wade Phillips is the Wilford Brimley of the NFL so you put all the right pieces in place. Jerry, you are one shimmer leisure suit away from becoming Al Davis.

Why does the Yard glee at the downfall of the Cowboys? Because during the formative years of what has evolved into Yardom, the Cowboys were torturing this myopic Los Angeles Ram youth. Roger Staubach, Tony Dorsett, Danny White, Drew Pearson, the Hat, Too Tall, and Hollywood Henderson ransacked our dreams and pillaged our Rams! And now, the Boys have just won as many playoff games as the non-existent NFL franchise in Los Angeles over the past 13 years. The Yard still thrills in their failures and farts in their general direction. Who is laughing now Lone Star State?

Since 1996, it has become a holiday tradition to watch the ‘Boys struggle in the winter. Sunday night was a blooper reel of overpaid proportions. The game was so bad that a temporary decision was made to switch to the Jets game and damn if we did not miss two turnovers returned for touchdowns by the Eagles before we got through the Verizon ad. It also undeniably proved that the DVR is more important to our daily lives than the Space Shuttle. We did not miss a Jerry meltdown moment.

The Yard also sends 750 ml of our special Vitriol Reserve blend to the Celtics, Trojans, and the Yankees. Happy New Year from the Yard!

Factoid: The Detroit Lions were the only NFL team to win all of their pre-season exhibition games this year. They never won another game.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
Sun-Tzu
Chinese general & military strategist (~400 BC)

Seminal Moments in Bruin Lore.

Throughout the evolution of the Yard, few if any Darwinian observations have been made. There have been several “caveman” accusations and there were a few Darwin moments wrapped around keg beer, red cups and questionable game day strategies when the goalie had been pulled. But if there was a seminal moment it was the USC-UCLA game in 1980. The chromosome that defines “gutty little Bruin” and the double Helix of Cardinal and Gold myopia mutated that afternoon. That day in November may not appear as relevant today but on this day, blue history shifted the historic turf that had defined the series prior to 1980. And it also makes better copy than recent history.

Before Yard (BY), abject allegiance to the blue against the evil empire was rabid and noteworthy. Objectivity is an acquired taste and in Los Angeles you are a Bruin, a Trojan or you are in a shimmering leisure suit waiting for Lizard Al to return the Faders to past glory. The USC-UCLA game is not life and death, it is bigger than that.

In the 1970’s, USC dominated UCLA as they had for the previous 41 years that the Bruins had fielded a football team. USC had been playing football for 40 years and was playing Notre Dame at Soldier field before 100,000 before UCLA enrolled their first students in 1929. There was a brief aberration in the 1950’s when legendary Red Sanders lead UCLA to their only National Championship and a winning decade against Troy.

In 1975, while this young scribe was a Bruin Freshman, Dick Vermeil coaxed an overmatched Bruin squad to a their first victory over USC with the Rose Bowl on the line and then an epic upset of Woody Hayes and his #1 ranked Buckeyes in the 1976 Rose Bowl. The future looked bright until the Philadelphia Eagles came calling and the Dickster made the first of what would be several tearful press conferences in his career announcing his departure. How was this blogger as a youth to know, the Bruins would not beat USC again during his undergrad days?

With Vermeil coaching Vince Papale in Philly, UCLA AD Pete Dallis wanted a loyal solider and he hired Terry Donahue. That hire tortured many of us for years but it also changed UCLA football history forever. Terry had started as a 195 pound Bruin defensive end in the 1966 Rose Bowl in an the legendary upset of #2 Ranked Michigan State. The Spartans had a slightly larger, 1st Team All-American defensive end named Bubba Smith anchoring their defensive line. So taking on the 800 pound gorilla over on Figueroa was nothing new for our eager, young T-buck.

Coach Donahue and John Robinson were hired the same year in 1976. By 1980, Terry had done a nice, solid job that would underscore his tenure. John Robinson had won a national championship and defeated UCLA four straight times during his first four years. It would be UCLA’s last “home” game in the “hood”. UCLA moved to the Rose Bowl in 1982. Both teams wore their home jerseys each time they faced off and no one made a big deal or gave up timeouts.

So on this fall afternoon in 1980, with four straight losses to USC constricting his esophagus, Donahue stoically abscessed on the sidelines as his team melted in the smoldering cauldron of Cardinal and Gold history and dominance. The demons of OJ, Toby Page, Sam Dickerson and Al Cowlings sans white Bronco lurked in every trough urinal at the historic Coliseum on that blustery day. And UCLA was down 17-13, 60 yards from the end zone with less than two minutes to play with a replacement QB named Jay Schroeder running the scrawny defensive end’s offense. Fortunately, back then beer was still served right up until you put your key in the ignition, so the Yard could deal.

And then, shit that usually happens to us, happened to them. Young Jay under threw a ball that a USC safety and future NFL coach Jeff Fisher tipped to Bruin great Freeman McNeil that he somehow caught and raced untouched to score the winning touchdown. I was with my father and my life long buddy Jeff and since we had never seen UCLA do that to USC, we were not quite sure what we had just witnessed. First, we checked to see if we had knocked over our beers in the commotion. Then still in shock, we looked for a penalty flag, then we looked to make sure that damn horse was nowhere to be seen and then we cheered our collective asses off for the next 12 months! Neither team was going to bowl that year but UCLA turned the historic tide of the series that day.

Through the 80’s, Terry Donahue coached UCLA to their first winning decade against USC since the 1950’s and only the second in the series. That seminal shift set the Trojan nation spinning through the coaching abyss of Ted Tollner, Paul Hackett and even the recycling of Johnny Robo. Mike Garrett did not look so smart in the 1990’s, and UCLA went 8-2 against that trifecta of coaching malaise. Garret did not get smart again until Pete Carroll showed up unannounced on his doorstep and asked for the head coaching job.

Pete, forget about giving up a few timeouts, how about giving us a tailback or wide receiver? As the only football powerhouse west of Austin, USC gets most of the top recruits. It makes for a good team but it is also why USC is going to the Rose Bowl and not Miami. USC has not played a good team all season and the BCS rankings underscore their plight. USC’s success has come at the expense of the rest of the Pac-10. USC defense “may” be the best in the land but with wins against the 80th, 118th, 111th ranked offenses already and next facing the 103rd ranked offense on Saturday, one might argue that statistics can be misleading.

Saturday will probably be ugly but UCLA will right the ship. Nueheisel’s inherited a team that graduated 17 starters but he has some players coming. Kevin Craft has thrown more defensive touchdowns than offensive touchdowns. UCLA best playmaker is the punter. The Yard is looking more forward to the basketball game versus CSUN rather than the BBQ that awaits us on Saturday in the Arroyo. But the Yard will be there because of that Saturday in 1980, abject loyalty and another disappointing result on Stub Hub. Go Bruins!