Tony at the yard

Finally, the NFL season will begin Los Angeles this weekend! It was exciting to get those first seventeen weekends out of the way for the rest of the country, so the NFL orphans in LA can now get interested. At the Yard, the NFL is only relevant when personal money is at stake and/or these three weekends in January. There were exciting regular season games but we only remember the games in January when the turf settles. The February Super Bowl is a National Holiday. It has rarely been as well played as the play off games that preceded it. The BCS could dominate these weeks but only one BCS game matters and Florida will spank the Sooners in Miami. The other games are mere exhibitions.

Previous research had discovered that there is a myopia gene that forces North American males to select their chosen teams to root for in all sports for all of their lives by age 9. During this same imprinting ritual, enemies are identified and reviled with similar passion. Apparently, we are required by celestial laws bigger than this blog and a lot of other big stuff to never cut this umbilical cord to our youth. It is not just our destiny, it is more important than that.

In an effort to kick the cobwebs out of the Yard’s winter hiatus, the interns conducted a government approved independent survey over the holidays. We only received $157.92 of the economic stimulus money. We had hoped for at least $200 to complete the report but we should be able to keep everyone on board despite the short fall.

There was a preponderance of Seber DNA in the respondent pool. We also need to disclose that we did not do a double blind study where a placebo cabernet was introduced. Regardless, it was determined that although Angeleno youth have been forced to “pick” an NFL team to root for since pro football left LA in 1994, more enjoyment was received when rooting against common enemies than in throwing love to one’s adopted team. And with all due respect, the “adopted” teams in the poll were the Rams, the 49er’s, Tampa Bay and the Chiefs.

The Rams were done in September but on Sunday night, watching Cowboy Owner Jerry Jones grind his teeth with that “Is that sh— in my sandwich smile” while his entourage squirmed in the owner’s box was great theater. It was a massacre the Philadelphia Eagles laid on America’s Team on Sunday. It was the biggest game of both team’s season and LA fervently watched in joy while Dallas got mauled 44-6.

The Cowboys have become the land of misfit children in the NFL universe. Jerry, you over ruled Bill Parcells to bring in TO aka TK-Team Killer. TO has blown up locker rooms from coast to coast. Parcells left because he is a real football guy who does not want to work for the oil guy who thinks he is the football guy. Jerry is listed as President, CEO and General Manager on the Dallas web site. What owner of any other team in any other professional sport fills all of those roles?

And you had to have Adam Pac-Man Jones! First, it is maybe more of guideline than a strict policy, but the Yard does not hire anyone who has been called in for questioning by the police eight times in a three year period. We also do not hire anyone who was at the center of a shooting at a strip club during the NBA All-Star Weekend where three people were shot. At the Yard, we do not feel that bar is set too high. Just a few suggestions as you tweak the well oiled Cowboy machine, Jerrah. Either TK or Pac-Man is completely capable of elevating the toxicity levels at any venue. Did you really need both on this team to kill this year? Wade Phillips is the Wilford Brimley of the NFL so you put all the right pieces in place. Jerry, you are one shimmer leisure suit away from becoming Al Davis.

Why does the Yard glee at the downfall of the Cowboys? Because during the formative years of what has evolved into Yardom, the Cowboys were torturing this myopic Los Angeles Ram youth. Roger Staubach, Tony Dorsett, Danny White, Drew Pearson, the Hat, Too Tall, and Hollywood Henderson ransacked our dreams and pillaged our Rams! And now, the Boys have just won as many playoff games as the non-existent NFL franchise in Los Angeles over the past 13 years. The Yard still thrills in their failures and farts in their general direction. Who is laughing now Lone Star State?

Since 1996, it has become a holiday tradition to watch the ‘Boys struggle in the winter. Sunday night was a blooper reel of overpaid proportions. The game was so bad that a temporary decision was made to switch to the Jets game and damn if we did not miss two turnovers returned for touchdowns by the Eagles before we got through the Verizon ad. It also undeniably proved that the DVR is more important to our daily lives than the Space Shuttle. We did not miss a Jerry meltdown moment.

The Yard also sends 750 ml of our special Vitriol Reserve blend to the Celtics, Trojans, and the Yankees. Happy New Year from the Yard!

Factoid: The Detroit Lions were the only NFL team to win all of their pre-season exhibition games this year. They never won another game.

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
Sun-Tzu
Chinese general & military strategist (~400 BC)